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Healing your body after the death of a beloved

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Tears

Living with an unbearable loss

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Sea

Moving forward into the life you create in the wake of loss

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I Am Becoming …

These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb. Najwa Zebian

I am becoming the kind of person who has the patience to wait until the path appears, instead of the one who races in with all of the answers, only to realize days or weeks later that she didn’t even understand the questions.

I am becoming the kind of person who listens and watches and learns. Someone who realizes how much there is left to know, but dives in anyway. Who appreciates how many different perspectives there are, instead of tuning out all but those who agree with my own.

I am becoming the kind of person who welcomes a friend or stranger who has listened intently, broadened his view, opened her mind by saying “I’m so glad you’re here” instead of “What took you so long?”

I am becoming the kind of person who will watch the raw footage, listen to the painful details, witness the rage, the pain, the grief. Someone who thinks hard about how she can help instead of changing the channel or looking away saying “It’s too much to bear” or “But what can I do?”

I am becoming the kind of person who learns from her children how to be less judgmental. To observe the difference in clothing, behavior, phrasing or emotion and note it instead of critiquing it. To let the unfamiliar, the variety wash over me and understand that there’s space for it all. That this mixture of people and ideas is what makes the world so big and bright and colorful.

I becoming the kind of person who remembers that everyone has burdens, both seen and unseen. Millstones that just because I am not able to measure, understand or see are no less exhausting to carry.

I am becoming the kind of person who speaks up and steps up. The one who is worrying less about what others might think or what might happen and instead says what needs to be said, when it needs to be said, to the person it needs to be said to. Someone who understands that the truth is there, waiting to be excavated, and that my silence only helps keep it hidden. It doesn’t make it go away.

I am becoming the kind of person who is learning to let it go, to refuse to absorb the pain of unkind acts, unfair criticism, resentment and anger that doesn’t belong to me. To remind myself, even in the heat of the moment, that so much of what happens in this life isn’t even about me. It never was, but I am the one wasting my precious time stewing over it.

I am becoming the kind of person who walks into shadows without dread or fear of disappearing. Who remembers the unbearable beauty of the night sky and knows that the absence of light offers its own form of peace and healing.

I becoming the kind of person who understands how powerful growth and change are. Who knows that they are hard and vulnerable and can hurt like hell but that within them are grace and forgiveness and the kind of sweetness that only comes with overcoming.

I am becoming the kind of person who pauses, draws breath, waits to speak. Someone who can create room for other, quieter voices. Who doesn’t have to be first or right or the authority. One who remembers, instead, the magic and wisdom that come from making space or sitting in silence.

I am becoming the kind of person who knows it’s okay to start here, go now, begin again instead of the one who gets stuck in the past, fretting over why the change didn’t happen sooner.

I am becoming the kind of person who can live with ambiguity, willing to sit with the not knowing, trusting that the way will be shown, that the right people will show up, that I will survive, that I can live on.

I am becoming …

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