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Living with an unbearable loss

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Sea

Moving forward into the life you create in the wake of loss

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Let It Rain Down

You can’t stop time. You can’t capture light. You can only turn your face up and let it rain down. The Memory Keeper’s Daughter

I stopped making New Year’s resolutions after Jimmy died. In the early years, it was hard to think much beyond surviving life in the aftermath. Getting out of bed, putting one foot in front of another, finding laughter and bits of joy where I could, fighting to stay out of the pit.

Now, almost five years out, I look at the lengthy lists of resolutions people post online and quickly get overwhelmed. Even those that purport to be for grievers are too much for me. There are days when I can barely get to Kaia on time, but I’m supposed to make and keep 64 New Year’s Resolutions for Grievers?

Part of the problem is the enormity of the undertaking, and part of it is that I just can’t be that perfect. I know I need to eat well, meditate and get lots of sleep. I should stay away from toxic people and journal on a daily basis. I must try to organize my boxes and boxes of photos and then create a memory book in honor of Jimmy or my parents. It’s all just too much.

What gets lost in all those resolutions is how far I’ve come. How far we have all come. To lose one of your most important people (or two or three or four), and keep living is no small thing. To find joy, friendship and love in the aftermath. To keep learning, taking chances, making new friends, supporting others who’ve also lost a beloved. That’s where the beauty is.

In a perfect world, I’d be 15 pounds lighter and training for a half marathon. I’d be cooking 5-6 days a week, keeping a spotless house and making tons of money as a consultant. I’d have a well-organized calendar that was carefully balanced between work commitments and time with friends and family. But the woman who aspired to some or all of that is gone now. I don’t have the energy, desire, brain power or will to aspire to that kind of life.

Some days, it’s all I can do to look up and let life rain down.

So instead, I set a few simple goals for myself. What’s the difference between a goal and a resolution? Don’t ask. It might just be semantics but “goals” feel less intimidating.

  • Move my body a little every day. The world is much more manageable when I get some exercise.
  • Preserve time on my calendar to write, create and just be
  • Spend time with the people I love most
  • Hold my sweet boy close. Say his name, share his story and embrace the world the way he did.

The light is coming back, a little more every day. We are still here. Battered and bruised. Hurting and healing. Still alive and sticking together. Holding tight to the loved ones we’ve lost as well as the people who help us survive the pain. Vulnerable and brave. Doing our best.

Wishing you grace, beauty, hope, healing and joy in the new year. Here’s to staying close, holding hands and keeping each other upright as life rains down around us.

Molly jumping with her arms in a "Y". She's in front of a field, wearing dark running shorts and a t-shirt
Back Camera

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