Broken Can Be Fixed

When I was told my son was dead–I crumbled inside. I was completely broken and a mess for a long time. How could this be true? I would never get to hold my beautiful, kind, vivacious son. Brenden would never get to be the light of the room again. He would never get to finish college, get married, be a father. It is all the “Nevers” that really tear you apart.

How would I survive and did I really want to? Well, at first you don’t know what you are doing, what day it is, who you are anymore, and why you were left and your child is gone. Then you just take it one second at a time which eventually turns into one minute at a time and before you know it months have gone by. You realize if you can breathe, then you will make it, and you will want to. I am fortunate to have my daughter as she helped me want to take a breath every day. Some of you may not have other children, and your healing process is much more complicated.

I was broken for so many months, and I did not think I could repair myself. This was true; I am not repaired; I am not the same person I was before Brenden’s death; how could I be? But with time, I realized a broken person can be fixed. Definitely not good as new, but repaired enough to push through another day. I wrote this, and I hope you know if you are broken, there is still hope for you 💙

Julie and Brenden. Julie is wearing a black collared shirt with a green CalPoly hat and sunglasses. Brenden is shirtless with his brown hair slicked back

Am I sad every day—yes, but each day that passes somehow you become less broken than the day before.

I was broken for 20 long months, and now I’m sad but not completely wrecked.

You learn to carry your sadness like you carried your baby

Eventually, that baby becomes more independent and doesn’t rely on you for everything. That is how I feel sadness is; you carry it but it slowly becomes less dependent on you and you on it.

Grief is a tricky thing that doesn’t affect two people the same. You can’t judge or be judged

Some days, you feel you will never feel whole again—you really don’t but you start to smile

You start to laugh. You start to enjoy life again

How you ask?? Well, if I had that answer I would be rich

Anything broken can be fixed—sure, it’s not exactly the same, and you aren’t either. There are cracks, and it’s never whole again, and neither will you, but you can learn to live with the cracks because you have to. A broken object is better than no object, just like a broken person is better than one who gives up.

Did I want to give up? Yes ,but somehow you pick yourself up the best you can and you go on.

Annicka & Brenden. Annica is wearing a white baseball cap with UG on it. She has long dark hair and is wearing an off white sweater. Brenden is resting his chin on his hands. He has brown hair and is wearing a light blue t-shirt with gray stripes

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