Life is beautiful because it doesn’t last. Brit Marling
Standing in front of the open refrigerator, Dan turned, a glass jar in his hand, and said, “Honey, I think it’s time to throw this out.” The dark red contents were crusty and only filled the bottom quarter of the jar. But I made Dan put it back on the shelf where he’d found it.
I don’t like to cook. I came by this dislike honestly as my mother didn’t enjoy cooking, and neither did my grandmother. Over time, Mom learned to make simple, nourishing, healthy meals. She rarely baked, and when she did, her attempts weren’t always successful. During her Diet For A Small Planet phase, she made banana bread, omitting most of the sugar to make the recipe even more healthy. The result wasn’t good. Even my father who was grateful to be cooked for, sweetly told her that he couldn’t eat it. But when she returned to sugar, not long after she discovered Hagen Daz ice cream, she began making homemade jam.
At her full height and weight, Mom stood 5’2″ tall, weighing just over 100 pounds. Despite her diminutive stature, she loved to eat. Peanut butter was her favorite food with butter coming in a close second. She taught Molly and Jimmy to eat their bagels and Hallah bread with “the works” — butter, cream cheese and jam. Mom made strawberry for the kids, blackberry for Dan and orange marmalade with ginger for me and Dad.
After we moved to Portland and Dad could no longer travel, boxes from San Jose would arrive every two months or so, containing little jars of jam, each carefully labeled for the recipient.
When I packed up Mom’s house after she died, I brought home eight jars of jam, a few labeled, most not. I am down to my last jar now. As was my mom’s style, the jar is repurposed, small in size (“Everything in moderation” was one of the mantras she raised me on) and bears a tiny round label with Dan’s name neatly written. Dan is right — it’s probably time to throw the jar out — but I can’t bear to let it go.
I know how to make Mom’s strawberry and blackberry jam, and I have her recipe for orange marmalade with ginger which includes such lines as “Put in pot, add water, say a cup, and cook …” (she never did like the exactness of the recipes in cookbooks). But is the jam the same if I make it? I’ve never tried, and I can’t call her with questions.
I am still learning to live without Mom. There are so many moments when I think, “Mom would love this article, this book, that podcast.” Or “Mom would know how to phrase that, address that, solve that.” Only to remember, as the daughter in Anna Quindlen’s One True Thing does, that the woman I want to call has been dead for almost four years.
What haunts me are not the words I didn’t say. Mom knew how much I loved her, how grateful I am to be her daughter, how wonderful I thought she was. What I want to tell her are the silly little things and life lessons I’ve learned since she died. That she was right about the mini colored peppers being sweeter than the regular size ones. That Honey Crisp apples are better than the Macintosh apples I grew up on. That being all “sweetness and light” to someone who’s treating you rudely often is the better choice. And that forgiving someone who hasn’t apologized isn’t about condoning the act but about freeing yourself from the pain. Unlike the little jar of jam, those gifts are the ones that last.
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